I haven't been able to sleep. All of my emotions have been turned up full blast. And worst of all, my reasoning skills, morals, and inhibitions have all been thrown out the window.
This is not good. This is the part of my illness I don't like at all. My temper fuse is extremely short. I have flared into a angry rage twice in the past few days at the snap of a finger. Once when I was voice chatting with eezb. I said something that should never have been said to anyone. I am ashamed for not being able to catch myself before I blurted it out. When I'm chatting with someone by typing, I am able to catch myself before I type something stupid.
One thing that I'm grateful for is that I have never lashed out physically to hurt someone while in one of my full-blown manic moods. I have shoved my dear friend pty and begged him to hit me, but that was the worst I have ever gotten. That was back in 1992 and we are still the best of friends today. pty knows how far he can push me and I know how far I can push him before things get out of hand. I have a warning phrase that I say when I'm on the verge of loosing control. I tell him that I'm right on the edge and not to push me any farther. He has also told me that I get a certain tone in my voice when I say that too. He then knows to back off.
Unfortunately, I don't have a way to tell people in chat that I'm on the edge, because they don't know the background information that goes along with that statement.
Last night I was feeling sorry for myself because of my disability. I'm 37 years old and living with my mother. Even though the circumstances about why I'm living here to help my mom out, don't change the fact that I'm still living with Mom. I also have not been able to obtain my degree yet, which has been the only true goal I have had since high school. I can't even seem to get my 2 year Associates Degree.
I was chatting with northing last night and he asked me what I really wanted. I said the one thing that I truly wanted was to be happy. Even though I am able to laugh and enjoy situations and have a good time, most of my life has not been happy.
In our discussion of happiness, I explained that I was truly happiest while in the Navy. I made the comment that it was the companionship of all the people that I was around constantly that allowed this happiness. I need people. I need companionship. It doesn't have to be romantic. I just need people.
LiveJournal has brought me some of that happiness that I've been searching for. I was not expecting this at all when I first started my journal. I didn't even know what LJ was all about when I started. I just paid my money and got a code. After a few entries, choochootwo added me to her friends list. I then added her to mine. Once the communication began, LJ seemed to take on a life of its own. The more people that I got to know the happier I became. I had finally found something that I was looking for since I left the Navy; companionship. No other online chat group or site has been able to fill that void like LJ has.
I'm still looking for something in real life that can fill the same need as LJ is providing. I just haven't been able to find it. College groups don't provide it, support groups don't provide it, even church groups don't provide the same level of companionship that I need. I'm still looking.
Being happy and companionship, that's what I'm looking for. If only my doctor and I can work through this medication issue, assuming that there is a correct medication for me, I can remove an obstacle that is impairing my ability to achieve what I want.