Gregory Sare Landolt (gregoid) wrote,
Gregory Sare Landolt
gregoid

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Update - Day 2

Yesterday I began shutting off the world to withdrawal into myself for safety and comfort. Nobody can hurt me if there is nobody around. In doing so I also shut off my support network and dropped even further into depression. I have been here before and I knew that if I kept going, I would wind up in the hospital once again. This scared the hell out of me. I then started to think of all the people that I let down by not staying strong. I tried to fight last night to hold on, but I just kept slipping.

Suicidal thoughts went through my head a couple of time, but quickly departed. Those that I have sent emails to know that suicide is not an option anymore for me, so I'm not really worried about doing anything stupid like that. I do get suicidal sometimes, but that is something that I have had to live deal with for over 20 years. Plus, my Mom is here, so she was checking my progress too. My last suicide attempt was back in 1996. Something happened that time that changed my life. If you want to know more about that send me an email and I will fill you in on that.

I was crying non stop from around 4:30 PM to 10:30 PM when I finally fell asleep. I had to take my sleeping pills last night so I could sleep. Before I went to bed I tried to get back online and started up my chat clients, but I just wasn't feeling well enough to actually continue to chat. Sorry again Matt, for ending our chat so quickly.

It was actually the thought of all my LJ friends that helped me hold on last night. I will thank you individually for your support. Right now, I'd like to say thank you to all. Your comments DID help. I'd also like to give a special thanks to Sooz for your text message. This message as well as the last one came when I needed them the most.

I realized this morning, that shutting off the world is not going to help at all. I might not feel comfortable talking, but isolation is not the answer.

I was feeling a little better as soon as I woke up, but the tears are back again. I didn't know I had that much water in me. My next appointment to see my Doctor is Thursday. I will let him know that this med combo is NOT working.

I have to go to a birthday party this afternoon for my nephew. I am dreading this like the plague. But there is no way I can tell a four year old, that I just don't feel like being around people right now. It will take all my strength and will power to get through this afternoon.
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