Gregory Sare Landolt (gregoid) wrote,
Gregory Sare Landolt

  • Mood:

Help Mode

Last night, I was having trouble sleeping and spent most of the time online. I was still feeling empty because of Cosmo and was just keeping busy to get my mind on something else. I noticed princeargon come online and I IM'd him. After a couple of minutes chatting with him, I switched into help mode and all my thoughts and feelings of emptiness went away. This happens all the time, so I don't know why I get surprised when it happens.

After our chat I was able to go back to bed and I slept for 8 hours straight. I woke up feeling rested and relaxed. I was still lying in bed when my sister came by with my nephew and two nieces. I got up and dressed and chatted for a few minutes. Kira, the newborn, was fussing and I picked her up and rested her on my chest and shoulder. She quickly fell asleep while I was rubbing her back. Time seemed to be frozen and I didn't have a care in the world. I was happy and content as was Kira. When it was time for them to leave, I carried Kira down to the car and handed her over to her mom.

Now I'm sitting here with the same content feeling and I'm glad all of the bad feelings of the last two days have moved on to wherever they go.

When I do think of Cos, only the good and happy memories are here. I'm glad I was able to meet him and have him become part of my life experience. We all have some type of effect on those that we come in contact with, some more than others. To try and pull out the interaction of one person that came in contact with your life is like trying to pull a string from a sweater or blanket. It just starts unraveling and falls apart. Our lives become intertwined with each other and it's that weaving that keeps us together, whole, and strong. As with most fabric, it can become soiled or stained, but even if you can't wash it out, ripping out the parts you don't like will only weaken the fabric. The same is true with people. If we try to ignore and deny the bad or tainted events in our life, we too become weakened.

I have allowed myself to deny a part of my life for 10 years. The news of Cos, just brought that denial back to the surface for a closer inspection. I found out that my father is not in a crematorium (I don't think this is the right term) with a marker like I thought. His ashes were scattered. I will make a trip to Santa Barbara in November. I will visit the park that overlooks the city. My dad used to take us kids there a lot when we would visit him once a month. I have only taken close friends, girlfriends, and boyfriends there. It's a special place to me. It holds great memories and it would be a fitting place to read my letter to my Dad. It's high enough that I feel closer to heaven, yet I'm still able to overlook Santa Barbara as well and remember all the time I have spent with him there.

I have finally come to terms with his death. But as long as I hold him in my heart, he will be with me until I can see him again. I Love you Dad.

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