Gregory Sare Landolt (gregoid) wrote,
Gregory Sare Landolt

  • Mood:

I Am Alive!

I have been crying all day. The smallest of things would set me off. I was crying because I was happy. I was crying because I was sad. I was crying for no apparent reason at all. I just thought I was being moody, but that's not why at all. I know this is going to sound very strange, but I just realized that...
Let me explain. Beginning in April of 1991, I stopped living my life and started just existing. Before April, I truly enjoyed life. I embraced the good parts as well as the bad parts. I was very spontaneous. I would be walking with a group of friends and I would suddenly do a cartwheel, much to the embarrassment of my friends. I would usually do a cartwheel when there were a lot of people around, like in a mall or similar setting. I did it for the surprise and shock value more than anything else. I loved to keep everyone on their toes and left them wondering what I'd do next. Practical jokes were something else that I loved. I loved both giving and receiving, as long as nobody got hurt.

I had hopes, dreams, and fantasies. I stood up for what I believed in, even if I was wrong. I hated it when I was proved wrong, but never too proud or stubborn to accept facts. I didn't put too much value on first impressions, as they often turned out to be incorrect. I always gave people and ideas a second try, so as not to miss out on things. If I went by first impressions, I would have never met a very close friend of mine. He came off as an arrogant, opinionated, jerk when I first met him. I later fell in love with him.

Most of that ceased after April of 1991. The only thing that I kept was not trusting first impressions. I let my hopes, dreams, and fantasies die. I was no longer spontaneous and didn't participate in practical jokes. I no longer embraced life. I just existed.

Well, tonight I came to the realization that I am alive once again. I'm not sure when it started, but the last of the pieces feel into place tonight. I can't explain exactly how I know or the overwhelming emotions that I'm feeling at this moment. All I can say at this time is that I feel exactly like I did before April of 1991.

I feel FREE!!!! Funny thing is that I'm not manic. This is a completely different feeling. I don't feel content when I'm manic and right now I am experiencing inner peace. I almost forgot what this feels like.

Life, bring it on. I'm ready for ya.

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