Gregory Sare Landolt (gregoid) wrote,
Gregory Sare Landolt

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Feeling the need to explain

I feel the need to explain what happened yesterday. Now that I have a clear head, most of what I was feeling yesterday seems so silly and trivial, but it didn't feel like that then.

A little back-story - (I was able to recover my deleted entry from an email notification, informing me that I had received a comment.) About every six months to a year, I get antsy [understatement]. I get the overwhelming urge to completely change my life around. I mean completely! It starts out as an obsession to just get in my truck and drive...and keep driving until either I run out of money for gas, or return to my senses. After the need to run, I start distancing myself from family and friends and gradually come to the point of severing all ties. By reaching this stage I've more than likely disrupted every aspect of my life, including work, school, and home, not to mention my health. I make many excuses to myself to justify my actions, and after a while I begin to believe the lies.

So, with the thoughts of past stupidity running in my head, I panicked when I started to feel this obsession again. I struggled with the obsession this week and last week and was able to keep myself from leaving the state like I have done so many times before. When I noticed I started distancing myself from family and friends, I became worried and frightened. Instead of rationalizing it all out, I blew it all out of proportion and freaked! I had such a panic attack that I became cold and clammy and almost past out. That's when I wrote my LJ entry asking for encouragement and support.

After receiving the comment from Kyle (kylewallace), saying I should speak with my Doctor, it kicked started my critical thinking and I was able to negate most of the thoughts racing around in my head. Kyle was able to plant the seed that started a chain reaction to correct my mixed up logic. I then got upset with myself for allowing this to get as far as it did. When I saw the words of my entry staring me in the face, I was so angry at my silliness, that I deleted the entry in haste, something that I regret doing now.

Once I started to process valid arguments, I returned to a calm state rather quickly, and my life was not destroyed in the process.

I want to say Thank You, to all my LJ friends. You gave me the kick in the butt (or was that the head) that I needed.

*Hugs to all*

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