The truth is, I haven't been doing very well financially. I am currently $440.00 in the hole and have been steadily for the last 10 or more months. My checking account balance shows a positive balance only because I have been taking out cash advances on my up coming Direct Deposits. Next month will be no different because I have to advance another $400.00 in order to get my rusted exhaust system replaced, including my California oxygen sensor, so it will pass the State Inspection. I know this because I tried to get my truck inspected at the beginning of this month and failed the inspection. My inspection sticker actually expires this month, but I only have $155.29 left in my account and the estimate to repair/replace the exhaust system is $380.00. So I will advance $400.00 at the beginning of next month and get the truck ready to pass inspection.
So next month I'll be $440.00 in the hole again. The extra $40.00 is the fee for advancing the money. I know it's a 10% fee for doing this, but you do what you have to do to survive.
As soon as my Direct Deposit gets deposited into my account, the outstanding advances and the fees are repaid automatically. I get my money deposited on the 3rd of each month, so I will be able to take out the $400.00 advance on the 4th. I will be scheduling the State Inspection/repairs on the 5th, so the money will be available to cover those expenses. I don't want to wait too long because I don't want to get a ticket for my State Inspection sticker being expired.
Being in the hole financially is also causing a strain on my other expenses, mainly food and gasoline. The gas part is easy to handle. I just don't drive anywhere, period. The food is another story. I have been eating the least that I possibly can and still survive. I have been eating a lot of Raman noodles and other really cheap items.
The worst part about all of this is the toll this is having on my emotional state. Money has always been a huge trigger for me. and to get through this month and the months ahead will be extremely tough. Every time I talk about this with someone, either in person or on the phone, I begin crying uncontrollably.
Depression has been setting in slowly. I have also noticed that I have been pulling away from most of the people that I care about.
I know why I'm doing it. I have dealt with my bipolar for so long that I recognize the symptoms. I have to be liked by everybody, even those that can't stand me in the first place. Instead of showing my flaws, I retreat into my safe little world that includes only me, and everybody will still think that Greg is doing fine and everybody will be happy and like me.
I know that it is all crap to think that way, but this is who I am. It is illogical thinking and I'm perfectly aware of what I'm doing. I just can't help it sometimes. Years of therapy has lessened the severity of this kind of thinking, but it still disables me from time to time.
I know it doesn't make sense to think this way, and when I say it out loud I hear that it doesn't make sense. I am a very logical person and it frustrates me when I begin thinking in this manner.
Anyway, I just wanted all of you to know what has been happening with me and that I'm not doing okay.
This was very hard to write because a part of me has been fighting this post every step of the way.