I so fucking want this to be over! It's affecting my life in a bad way. I'm moody. I've been reverting to a hermit-like state. My weight is up to 240 pounds and I can't stop from going into the kitchen and literally stuffing my face with food. I have been spending money like I have it. I'm not sleeping. Even with the sleeping pills, I find myself at the computer in a wobbly state fighting to stay awake.
I look at the early Christmas presents (Digital Camera with view screen, 256 MB memory card for the camera, and an external DVD+/-RW Double Layer burner) that my sister Paige and her family gave me the night before I left California and I see no joy or pleasure in them at all.
I'm hoping that my trip with Dan and his mom to Florida for Christmas and New Years will help, but it is the impending trial that has me all turned into knots right now. I sure as hell hope that I don't ruin their trip. I know that I'll do my best to put the entire world behind me and concentrate on the trip and being with Dan again.
I JUST WANT THIS OVER WITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The worst case scenario: I'll have to use the money that I use for my Internet access and long distance phone calls to pay for the judgment. If that happens, I truly become isolated from not only my boyfriend, but my family, friends, and the entire world outside the town of Medford, Maine with its population of 242 people (6 of which I know by name).
That is what scares the hell out of me.
In the worst case scenario, I will have to move because I won't be able to function being so isolated with only incoming calls to keep me connected.
DSL might seem like luxury to some, but it has saved me a lot of money. My long distance phone bills were on average $100 a month. Since getting DSL, I was able to get Vonage, a flat rate, unlimited calling plan of $24.99 to anywhere in the US and Canada, that works through my DSL connection. I also added a "virtual" Halifax, Nova Scotia number to my account for an additional $4.99 a month. That allows Dan to call me without having to pay international rates. I got my first bill yesterday and with tax it came to $33.88. That's a big drop from last month's long distance bill of $126.57. Even adding the $29.95 DSL bill to that only comes to $63.83. That is roughly half of what I was paying for long distance alone. and now that I don't have dial-up anymore, I don't have to pay the 9.95 each month for that.
So I think I did a great job by getting DSL.
Now if the opposing lawyers feel that DSL is a frivolous expenditure, they could petition the judge to have me use the money that I'm currently spending on DSL to pay toward the judgment. This is the part that has me worried. cutting off my DSL will sever me from my loved ones very effectively. Also doing that will remove my support network, as I wouldn't be able to reach out to those that could help me when I'm in a depressive or destructive manic cycle.
I'm not really worried about the mania, because I generally only get hypo-manic and it's not generally a problem, although I do have a tendency to spend a LOT of money without thinking about bills and rent that also need to be paid to survive.
It is the depression that I am most concerned with. As I slide into depression, I begin shutting myself off from the world, little by little. The phone gets unplugged, so I can't be reached, and I ignore the door bell if it rings. I also begin missing doctor's and therapy appointments.
Dates and appointment are a big stress factor with me. Just knowing that I have to be somewhere at a certain time and place throws me into a tizzy. The night before an appointment or deadline has me pacing the floors or staring at the ceiling. That is what has been happening the few months leading up to the December 13 trial. NOW I HAVE 3 MORE FUCKING MONTHS OF THIS!
It's not rational, I know that. I keep telling myself the same thing. I am a very organized and logically thinking individual. This behavior doesn't make sense to me, so I don't expect it to make sense to anyone else, unless they have experienced it for themselves.
What pisses me off the most is that I am a bright and fairly intelligent person. I know this and anyone who spends any time at all talking to me can pick up on this too.
People are ALWAYS telling me that I am bright and it would be easy for me to do fill-in-the-blank. Yes, I have the aptitude and dexterity to do many things. I am a quick learner and most things come easily for me. I can walk, talk, form complete sentences and thoughts, can perform complex tasks easier than I can simple tasks (I have been tested to reveal this), but give me a time restriction, deadline, or appointment (including work schedules), and I fall to pieces.
I have no problem preforming the tasks. And since I don't have one leg shorter than the other, or purple polka-dots on my face, people assume that I am clearly able to function normally.
I have had to finally come to grips with myself and let go of the anger that wells up inside me when I fail to show up for a meeting or cower in bed as the alarm goes off letting me know that I have somewhere to be.
It might seem like I'm lazy, but I'm not. I have plenty of ambition and desire to preform. But there is something in my body that absolutely refuses to let me maintain that for an extended period of time. I do okay for a few weeks, but the stress builds over time to the point where I become physically sick and I'm unable to get out of bed, or out of the house. I have even driven into the parking lot at work and am utterly unable to pull into a parking place. I end up driving through the lot and going home and unplugging the phones and hiding from the world.
Best case scenario: the judge dismisses my student loans and I can put that part of my life behind me.