Gregory Sare Landolt (gregoid) wrote,
Gregory Sare Landolt

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Where's the hold button?

My life has been on hold for a long time. So long that I have forgotten where the hold button is. I must have found it because I'm back in college and proceeding forward again, albeit a slow pace, but forward nonetheless.

Since 1991, when I got out of the Navy, I have been dealing (or not dealing) with depression and trying to come to terms with my orientation. I have finally succeeded with the later. The Mania hasn't been a major issue, since I'm hypo-manic. I have only gone into a full-blown manic state a few times. Most of the time I just feel energetic and euphoric when I'm manic. Every once in a while, I get agitated and angry, but I've learned to deal with these emotions well enough that they don't seem to hinder my life.

Depression is another story. I know when I'm becoming depressed and I don't always work at trying to deal with the feelings and emotions of depression. I often just give in and ride the roller coaster to the bottom. Depression is an old friend and I tend to find comfort in my depression.

Recently however, I have become very pissed off when I become depressed. The anger doesn't come from the depression itself, but from not wanting to be depressed at all. I see this as a very good and positive sign. I think I have finally kicked my 'old friend' to the curb and want nothing more to do with him. I believe this is where I found my hold button.

calimtnredneck has been an enormous inspiration to me. His strength and determination has once again re-ignited my desire to fight and not let my illness consume me. I won't allow my hold button to be pressed again. I'm not exactly sure where it is, and I don't want to know.
Tags: bi-polar (manic-depression), inspirational, orientation

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