Gregory Sare Landolt (gregoid) wrote,
Gregory Sare Landolt

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So close, yet so far away

My depression has lifted somewhat to the point that I'm able to communicate again, and I'm now feeling a sense of loneliness. I'm feeling the need to reach out to everyone. I'm close, but so far away. Computers and telephones can bring people together, but they maintain a physical barrier.

I'm actually feeling the need for human interaction. Not just any interaction, but interaction with my boyfriend, family, and friends. I see and say hi to my neighbors mostly every day, but we have nothing in common, except for being neighbors. I do see a nurse for an hour every 2 - 3 weeks apart and my psychiatrist every other month or so. I see the receptionist at the management company on or about the 3rd of each month when I pay my rent. I manage to see my boyfriend as often as I can, but it isn't as often as I would like.

I am existing and will continue to do so for at least a year and possibly longer if I need to. I'm not outgoing, but I'm not an isolationist. I need to be around people. I'm a strong person and I will hang in there. It's not easy at times when my emotions go wacky, but I do seem to pull through the rough times and continue on.

The hardest and scariest part is no longer having a safety net to rely on. I'm an 8-hour drive from the closest person (Dan, my boyfriend), other than medical professionals, that can provide support. I used to be able to call my mom and at least talk to her about what was happening and she would help me through my current situation. Now, I don't even have a clue as to where she is. It has been a week since I have heard anything, and I can't seem to get hold of the rest of my family to find out what's going on with Mom.

So, the only person I have to rely on at this time, besides myself, is Dan. I hate to dump how I'm feeling on him, because I end up making him sad and/or depressed because he can't help me. I find myself pulling farther away from everyone, because I hate to be a burden and don't want to bring people down and make them feel helpless to do anything to help me.

I know deep down that I will get through this. I always do. No matter how tough things seem to get, I manage to make it to solid ground, even if it takes a couple of years to get there.

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