Gregory Sare Landolt (gregoid) wrote,
Gregory Sare Landolt

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Mom's status

I apologize for not keeping up to date with my journal.

Mom is still in the hospital. She has been moved into the regular ward, and will be moved again to the rehab ward (across the hall) in a week. Her doctor was trying to wait for a urinary tract infection to clear up before he made any decisions as to treatment, but it hasn't cleared up and her kidney levels are still higher than he would like them to be, so the doctor is saying that dialysis will be scheduled to begin in the next few days. He also wants to do a colonoscopy (or however it's spelled), but my mom is fighting him on that. My sister Piper wants Mom to have the procedure and if anyone can sway Mom's decision, it would be Piper.

Paige and Piper want to move Mom out of her apartment and into either a nursing home or some kind of convalescent hospital when she is released, so she can have 24-hour care. This is the part that is killing me. Mom has always been so independent and loves her privacy and freedom to do as she pleases. I know that a move like this is necessary and so does Mom, but I feel that this will eventually break her spirit. Actually, I think it has already been broken. While talking with her last week, she told me that she is ready to die, so I see this as the beginning of the end.

Mom was diagnosed with M.S. when she was 27 and pregnant with Paige. My sisters and I have dealt with her disease all of our lives. Her M.S. was something that was ever present, but never prevented us, including Mom, from living normal lives. There were times when she would have an M.S. attack and wouldn't be able to move a muscle and would cry because she wasn't able to move and felt she was a burden on us kids. I never felt that she was a burden. It was just normal to me. I would just carry/move her from the car to the bed or where ever she needed and wouldn't think twice about doing it.

One thing that never left, was Mom's sense of independence. It was an understood rule that you didn't help Mom until she asked. She resented people doing things for her, without her asking to be helped. That was a concept that my grandmother never understood. Mom would get so angry at my grandmother for "treating her like an invalid." I know that my grandmother was just trying to help her only child as best she could.

Now, there are no more resentments. Mom isn't able to care for herself and has to rely on others to help her. I'm saddened to see her have to completely rely on others, but that doesn't sadden me as much as feeling that she is giving up. I can tell from talking with her that she doesn't want to hold on anymore. She is ready to go. I just hope that I will be as ready when she finally does. She has been a fighter all of her life, but she doesn't want to fight anymore.

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