August 20th, 2004

Bug-Eyed at the Computer

Listening to the night

The rain is falling softly from the darkened night sky above, beating out a steady rhythm as the drops gently splash on the ground. The night air continues to cool and replaces the stuffy warm air of the day. The crickets repeat their trills and the frogs hop their way across the lawn. The moths and small insects are drawn to the light that escapes my living room blinds, hanging on the screen as if waiting for the barrier to magically disappear. The apartment itself is quiet and still, and the only sound that can be heard is the ticking of the second hand on the wall clock. Even the refrigerator is dormant as the compressor waits to be called into action.
  • Current Mood
    creative creative
WebCam Greg

So close, yet so far away

My depression has lifted somewhat to the point that I'm able to communicate again, and I'm now feeling a sense of loneliness. I'm feeling the need to reach out to everyone. I'm close, but so far away. Computers and telephones can bring people together, but they maintain a physical barrier.

I'm actually feeling the need for human interaction. Not just any interaction, but interaction with my boyfriend, family, and friends. I see and say hi to my neighbors mostly every day, but we have nothing in common, except for being neighbors. I do see a nurse for an hour every 2 - 3 weeks apart and my psychiatrist every other month or so. I see the receptionist at the management company on or about the 3rd of each month when I pay my rent. I manage to see my boyfriend as often as I can, but it isn't as often as I would like.

I am existing and will continue to do so for at least a year and possibly longer if I need to. I'm not outgoing, but I'm not an isolationist. I need to be around people. I'm a strong person and I will hang in there. It's not easy at times when my emotions go wacky, but I do seem to pull through the rough times and continue on.

The hardest and scariest part is no longer having a safety net to rely on. I'm an 8-hour drive from the closest person (Dan, my boyfriend), other than medical professionals, that can provide support. I used to be able to call my mom and at least talk to her about what was happening and she would help me through my current situation. Now, I don't even have a clue as to where she is. It has been a week since I have heard anything, and I can't seem to get hold of the rest of my family to find out what's going on with Mom.

So, the only person I have to rely on at this time, besides myself, is Dan. I hate to dump how I'm feeling on him, because I end up making him sad and/or depressed because he can't help me. I find myself pulling farther away from everyone, because I hate to be a burden and don't want to bring people down and make them feel helpless to do anything to help me.

I know deep down that I will get through this. I always do. No matter how tough things seem to get, I manage to make it to solid ground, even if it takes a couple of years to get there.
  • Current Mood
    lonely lonely
WebCam Greg

Waiting and getting antsy

Well, that was a waste of time. I had a scheduled telephone appointment for 3:00 PM. I made sure I was off the phone by 2:40 and stayed off the phone, and watched the clock, until 4:15. Now, I'm antsy, feeling like I need to do something.

I tried to call her instead, but the phone just rang. I was determined, so I let the phone ring for 10 times before hanging up. Oh well.

After waiting, I took a shower, but I still took the cordless phone into the bathroom, just in case she called. She didn't.

Now I'm waiting for the Schwan's delivery guy to come and drop off my frozen food order. At least I know that he will show up.
  • Current Mood
    nervous nervous