March 29th, 2003


Feeling blue

I woke up this morning after having a disturbing dream. I was in a class with a bunch of people I knew from high school, college, and other places. We were taking an exam that I was obviously not prepared for. In fact, I wasn't familiar with the material at all. The class couldn't leave until everybody was finished and I had only answered 3 questions. I started cheating so we could all leave and just as I was answering the last question, I got caught by the instructor for cheating. That triggered an investigation and it was discovered that half the class cheated on this exam. All of us that cheated had to come back on Saturday and re-take the exam, but it would be even tougher. Plus it was still not known if we were going to be expelled from school or not.

So I woke up disoriented and now I just feel down. I feel like crying, but not enough to actually see tears. I'm not sure if I'm worried, disappointed, sad, or what. I just know that I am.

I don't feel like doing any self discovery to find out what has me feeling like this. I just feel like sitting here and not really doing much of anything.

Update: I'm getting flashes of bits of dreams that I had last night and there is a common theme. I'm an outsider again. I'm present, but not part of the crowd. I am just watching things take place, but I'm not an active participant. This is how I grew up. I wansn't happy then either. I had the same feeling of just wanting to sit and not do much then as well.

I still don't know why I'm feeling this way, but I know that I can handle feeling like this. I mean, I did it until I was 23, so I know I can handle it now.
  • Current Mood
    discontent discontent
WebCam Greg

Missing him

I'm missing Daniel. I haven't chatted with him for 2 days.

I think I have discovered the source of my feeling down with this. All my feelings are making sense now. I have some concerns that I need to talk with him about and until I can, I won't be able to pull out of this mood.
  • Current Mood
    discontent discontent
WebCam Greg

It will get better.... It always does

There is one good thing that can be said for having things not go smoothly in your life. Things always seem to work themselves out. It seems that no matter how bad it gets, it always gets better.

That is how I live my life. I have to. I have to hold on to the hope and eventual realization that things, will and do, get better.

Sometimes it takes a long time for things to get better, as in months or years.

When you've had a taste of horror, bad is okay. It is all relative.

It is good to have bad days and bad feelings. They just make you appreciate the good days and good feelings all that much more.

[end of ramblings]
  • Current Mood
    hungry hungry