November 16th, 2002

WebCam Greg

Slow or non-existent comment notifications

For those of you that don't have lj_maintenance on their friend's list, here is a post that explains why some of the comment notifications have not been emailed.

Comment notifications were mostly broken for a couple of days. They're now working again, though they'll continue to be delayed for a few hours while the backlog clears. Sorry about that.

I'm putting in more mail-related checks into our automated system monitors, and tuning our mail configuration for better performance, so this should mean quicker resolution for future outages. Hopefully this will also help with some of the ongoing problems we've had with slow comment notification delivery during peak load.
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    hungry hungry
WebCam Greg


I have been so manic the past few days.

I haven't been able to sleep. All of my emotions have been turned up full blast. And worst of all, my reasoning skills, morals, and inhibitions have all been thrown out the window.

This is not good. This is the part of my illness I don't like at all. My temper fuse is extremely short. I have flared into a angry rage twice in the past few days at the snap of a finger. Once when I was voice chatting with eezb. I said something that should never have been said to anyone. I am ashamed for not being able to catch myself before I blurted it out. When I'm chatting with someone by typing, I am able to catch myself before I type something stupid.

One thing that I'm grateful for is that I have never lashed out physically to hurt someone while in one of my full-blown manic moods. I have shoved my dear friend pty and begged him to hit me, but that was the worst I have ever gotten. That was back in 1992 and we are still the best of friends today. pty knows how far he can push me and I know how far I can push him before things get out of hand. I have a warning phrase that I say when I'm on the verge of loosing control. I tell him that I'm right on the edge and not to push me any farther. He has also told me that I get a certain tone in my voice when I say that too. He then knows to back off.

Unfortunately, I don't have a way to tell people in chat that I'm on the edge, because they don't know the background information that goes along with that statement.

Last night I was feeling sorry for myself because of my disability. I'm 37 years old and living with my mother. Even though the circumstances about why I'm living here to help my mom out, don't change the fact that I'm still living with Mom. I also have not been able to obtain my degree yet, which has been the only true goal I have had since high school. I can't even seem to get my 2 year Associates Degree.

I was chatting with northing last night and he asked me what I really wanted. I said the one thing that I truly wanted was to be happy. Even though I am able to laugh and enjoy situations and have a good time, most of my life has not been happy.

In our discussion of happiness, I explained that I was truly happiest while in the Navy. I made the comment that it was the companionship of all the people that I was around constantly that allowed this happiness. I need people. I need companionship. It doesn't have to be romantic. I just need people.

LiveJournal has brought me some of that happiness that I've been searching for. I was not expecting this at all when I first started my journal. I didn't even know what LJ was all about when I started. I just paid my money and got a code. After a few entries, choochootwo added me to her friends list. I then added her to mine. Once the communication began, LJ seemed to take on a life of its own. The more people that I got to know the happier I became. I had finally found something that I was looking for since I left the Navy; companionship. No other online chat group or site has been able to fill that void like LJ has.

I'm still looking for something in real life that can fill the same need as LJ is providing. I just haven't been able to find it. College groups don't provide it, support groups don't provide it, even church groups don't provide the same level of companionship that I need. I'm still looking.

Being happy and companionship, that's what I'm looking for. If only my doctor and I can work through this medication issue, assuming that there is a correct medication for me, I can remove an obstacle that is impairing my ability to achieve what I want.
  • Current Mood
    disappointed disappointed
WebCam Greg

The Daredevil Kid

Sitting comfortably on his banana seat, the Daredevil Kid looks over his orange "Spider-5," five-speed bicycle. He's making sure everything is in place for his next feat of courage. The gearshift on the center bar is held in first-gear with the strapping twine off of the newspaper bundles that he delivers every afternoon. The gear shift had been broken months before during one of his less successful daring maneuvers. He spins the pedals backwards making sure there isn't any grass or debris in the chain. He squeezes the brakes on the handlebars to make sure they are catching the rims of the wheels. Everything checks out okay.

The Daredevil Kid looks down to the bottom of the hill to the ramp that was placed on the edge of the driveway. His death-defying feat is to completely jump over the driveway. His friends are standing by the ramp eager to see if he can pull it off. He knows that if he pulls this off, he will be the best and the other guys will have to do something even more outrageous to steal the title from him.

He places his right foot on the pedal and spins the chain backwards until the pedal almost reaches the top. He applies a little pressure to the pedal with his foot and is now ready to go. He takes a deep breath and starts pedaling as fast as he can go. The Daredevil Kid is picking up speed as he travels down the hill. He dodges a boulder and a thicket of weeds. He has to pull up on his handlebars to jump a pothole. He's now pedaling as fast as he can and he can see the ramp up ahead. His friends are yelling, "Come on Greg! You can do it!" He continues to pedal as his front tire hits the ramp. The Daredevil Kid is launched into the air and the jump was a success. He cleared the driveway!

The jump isn't over though. He still has to land. He notices that his bike is heading toward a light pole. He must ditch the bike to avoid a collision! He pushes away the bike as hard as he can and misses the light pole by mere inches. The bike isn't as lucky. It slams into the light pole and flies off into the street. The daredevil Kid lands on the grass and tumbles to a stop.

His friends rush over to see if he is hurt. The Daredevil Kid smiles and says, "Damn! Did you see that?" He's all right and is hailed the best in the group. Not only did he clear the driveway, but he also happened to jump the width of two driveways. This stunt would be awfully hard to beat.

The Daredevil Kid wanders over to his bike to see what damage has been done. He picks it up and looks it over. It has a few more scratches, but it looks okay. He gets on and spins the pedals backwards with his feet. He squeezes the brakes to see if they touch the rims. He checks the twine to see if it broke. Everything checks out fine. His Spider-5 is good to go for the next hair raising, death-defying feat of courage.

That wasn't the last stunt that I did but it was the most exciting. My poor 5-speed bike went through hell but it took everything I threw at it. I had to replace tires, brake cables, pedals, and even the whole front tire because I bent the rim by hitting a car. I never broke any bones, but I did get scraped up quite a bit. My mom mellowed out over time, as I would hobble into the house with my clothes ripped and blood everywhere. I would always get grounded, but I was still the best.
  • Current Mood
    nostalgic nostalgic
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