September 15th, 2002

WebCam Greg

What a difference a day makes

I woke up today and the "I don't give a damn about anything attitude" was gone. I thought to myself that was a very good indication that my depression was lifting. All day today, my depression became less and less.

Around 8:00 PM, I started voice chatting with Matt (eezb) and ended up talking over 3 hours. During that conversation, my mood changed from depressed to one of happiness. I began laughing and giggling and was truly having a great time.

Now, I'm feeling elated, maybe too much so. I fear I have past the point of "normal" and I'm climbing toward mania. I think the ride operator is asleep at the controls. I love roller coasters, but I will be very happy when this ride is over.

  • Current Music
    "Friends in Low Places" by Garth Brooks

Unanswered Prayers

I'm sitting here listening to my country music CDs and I put in an old Garth Brooks CD that I haven't listen to in a long time. Unanswered Prayers came on and it caught me off guard. I have listened to this song many times, but never applied it to my own life. This time, I was listening to the chorus, and a part of my past came flooding back in crystal clarity. Here is the chorus:
Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

Back in April of 1996, I made my last suicide attempt. I took an overdose of about 60 Lithium capsules. I remember praying to God to just let me die this time and rid me of all my pain and suffering. As I passed in and out of consciousness I thanked God for allowing me to finally die. I will leave out all of the gory details. I woke up in the morning and cried that I was still alive. I didn't cry for very long....

Skipping back to the present, I just have to thank God for unanswered prayers. Back then, I prayed to die, and God gave me life. That was the turning point in my life. I decided that if I wasn't meant to die, I must be alive for some purpose. The question I asked was, "Why am I still alive?" The only answer that came into my mind was that I should use my experiences to help others who could benefit from what I have to say, so they don't end up in the same position as I did.

As I prayed for Cory (calimtnredneck) to come out of his coma, I thanked God for the first time for allowing me to live. I have two reasons to thank God. First, for not answering my prayers back in 1996 and second, for answering my prayers this time. To quote another line from the song, "I guess the Lord knows what he's doin' after all."
  • Current Music
    "Unanswered Prayers" by Garth Brooks