Today, I just don't seem to have the same level of writing skills, or more accurately, don't use those skills anymore. Will I be as impressed with today's writing a year from now? I guess that question can only be answered in a year. ;-)
Somewhere along the way, I stopped writing from my heart and began writing for others. Both are okay. It just depends on what you use your journal for. I seemed to have lost my original focus along the way.
When I wrote from my heart and what was on my mind, I wrote for me. It was nice to have people comment in my journal, but that wasn't the main reason for writing. I wrote to document certain aspects of my life. Some of those were events in the past, some were in the present, and a few were hopes and dreams of things yet to come.
I got swept up in a sort of LJ fever and couldn't get enough of commenting in other's journals and receiving comments in my own. I became addicted to lj, but not in a healthy way. It became my sole source of entertainment. I couldn't wait to get out of bed and turn on the computer to see who made an entry and find out what so-and-so did the night before. I often skipped events to sit in front of my computer and wait for a new entry to appear.
I got hooked into a social group of people that became my friends and my life. It was a life that wouldn't exist if my access to the Internet were gone. That "reality" of this new virtual life became apparent when friends began disappearing or were away from making entries for long periods of time. I once again felt the isolation that I felt before I started my journal.
Something else happened during this time. I fell in love. I fell in love with one of those virtual friends. All he was was a collection of text on my screen. In those early days, if I had lost my connection to the Internet, he would have disappeared as well. That is because I didn't know where he lived or even what his phone number was. The only thing I did know was I had fallen in love with this group of text on the screen.
We had been officially dating-online for two months when I received an email from his father telling me that a truck going 80 km/hr (50 mph) hit him and threw him 30 meters and he had been flown by helicopter to a trauma center in Halifax. My heart dropped into my stomach and I cried for about half and hour before I was able to pick up the phone and dial the number that his father had given me for the hospital.
That call was the first time that Dan and I had spoken to one another. It was my first real link to this collection of text. I knew that my feelings were real enough. Every cell in my being wanted to fly to Halifax and stay by his side. As it turned out, I had purchased a plane ticket the night before the accident, so I could visit him during his summer vacation. That and the fact that Dan said that he didn't want me to see him all "smashed up," as he put it, kept me from buying a new plane ticket.
Since January, when Dan and I became a couple, my entries started to become fewer and fewer in frequency. There were a few factors for this, but the main reason was that I began losing interest in lj as I gained more interest in Dan. Then when Dan and his family came down to California to stay at Disneyland and my following trip up to Nova Scotia the next month, my entries all but stopped. By then, my focus had completely shifted from writing for me to writing for others.
I didn't realize it until now when I looked back at entries written a year ago, but I had lost interest in lj, because I began writing for the wrong reason. Now that I’ve drawn attention to this fact, I’m going to try and switch my focus back and not try so hard to please others by tailoring my entries for everyone else.