I have been very productive as of late, producing pages and pages of my life events. The last part that I have written seemed to be the hardest. It wasn't that the material was painful to me, but it really took a lot of energy to actually write. Today, I feel refreshed and revitalized, another indication of having reached my long awaited milestone. I still have one more section to write that spans the last six years of my life. When I'm writing, each time my word processor jumps to the next page, I feel very accomplished. This little writing exercise has benefited in more ways than one. It not only is allowing me to record the "rough" parts, but it is also allowing me to integrate different facets of my life. Currently this linking is more of mental notes, but they will be recorded in the not too distant future.
I had to step back last night to realize that I remember things in groups. I seem to be lumping like items together and leaving out certain aspects of my life that are just as important, if not more important to the subject at hand. For instance, I'm currently writing about my battle with manic-depression. As I remember aspects of my depressive side, I fail to include the manic side at the same time. I DO know the reason for this.
When I'm depressed, I can't even remember ever being happy, let alone manic. The reverse is also true. When I'm manic, I can't imagine ever being depressed. It is like a light switch. I have paper journals that I have re-read from time to time that clearly detail this very thing. It is clearly seen in these written descriptions or "written snapshots" of a single point in my life. The two seem mutually exclusive to me.
There have been a few times when I have exhibited both depression and mania at the same time. Each time that happened, I thought I was loosing my mind. Now, stop and think about that for a second. I mentioned that depression and mania seem mutually exclusive, and that I don't or can't imagine being in the other state. So, when I am exhibiting both moods at the same time, my mind and body can't comprehend what is going on. Enormous amounts of energy are expended during these rare moments.
Having a very logical mind, I try to make sense of what is happening on both a conscious and sub-conscious level. The manic part is allowing my mind to process things at lightning speeds, more often than not, the questions. The manic part is also responsible for lack of concentration, since my thoughts jump from one topic or idea to the next without waiting for the answer. The depressive part is trying to grind the entire process to an abrupt halt, which results in a grinding-of-the-gears effect. The depressive part is also throwing wave after wave of different emotions into this mental cauldron. Tears, sadness, confusion, disgust, and doubt are all swirling around in a whirlpool of emotions. (I know, tears are not an emotion, but you get the idea)
The entire event usually only lasts for a couple of hours, after which, I am left completely drained and more often than not, just pass out because of sheer exhaustion.
[Thinking...] Amazing what can be produced in moments of clarity. That has to be the best explanation of what I experience during those moments.
Off to write some more...