Gregory Sare Landolt (gregoid) wrote,
Gregory Sare Landolt
gregoid

  • Mood:

In my own little world

I forgot what it was like to be so emotionally messed up. I actually cried while eating dinner tonight. The pizza wasn't THAT bad. It brings back a lot of memories and none of them happy.

I'm writing this entry to bitch and complain, so I'm putting the rest behind an LJ-cut.

I can tell that I am trudging through life right now with no pharmaceutical help. I'm still taking Tegretol for moods, but I really don't feel any help. I can only imagine what I'd be like without those as well.

Moody is the nice way of describing how I am. My moods are all over the place. The one mood that I can omit having is happy.

Things that I am feeling and experiencing are:

• Crying for no reason
• Easily frustrated
• Quick to raise my voice and demean someone
• Sudden feelings of wanting to destroy everything around me
• Wanting to hide from the world
• Wanting to run away

...hmm...yep...sounds like depression to me.

I already saw my pdoc (psychiatrist) when I had my allergic reaction to my anti-depressant medication. He seemed satisfied with the regiment that the ER doctor prescribed, and didn't want to do anything until our next appointment on the 10th. That gives me another week to go through this, plus another 2 weeks after I begin taking the new meds until they take effect in my system.

I'm able to sit for about 15 minutes before I get totally fed up with what I'm doing and need to find something else to do. This is the time I lose my friends, or so-called friends. I just can't explain to them that I can't sit and chat anymore, I need to do something else right now. I know I'd feel hurt and wonder if I had done something to upset a person if someone did it to me. I had to just shut down Instant Messaging because it has raised my anxiety level through the roof just thinking that someone might actually want to chat.

This totally SUCKS and not in a good way either. I want to be social again. I don't want to hide from the world. I know there are people that care and want to help, but unfortunately, human interaction, whether real or virtual is more than I can handle. Mom seems to be the only one that I can handle for any length of time and I'm not able to stay in the same room with her for very long.

My classes have become a nightmare for me. The thought of having to work with a lab partner is too much to deal with. I ended up dropping all my classes for this semester. That really hurt....

I want to tell my friends that I'm okay. I mean, everything is relative. I might be depressed, but this is not a new feeling and I'm not suicidal, so all is good. Any day spent outside of a hospital is a good day. I do miss the juice cups though. I have often wished that I had a case of them available in the fridge. They are just so convenient. The juice boxes just don't cut it.

Well, my mind has wondered off to who knows where, so I guess I'll end here.
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